Vaccum hurts

It is Oct 6, 2008. Can't believe it is more than three weeks since mum passed away. I never knew that vaccum hurts.



How do I fill this void I feel in my heart? It hurts and it hurts so bad. Sometimes late at night, I wake up to bad dreams. As if I am trying to catch a train and missing by a step. As if the world is one huge monster chewing up people and spewing out a mush. I can't analyse dreams but I am haunted by this dream where I am drowning into a black whole.

I want to yell, scream and shout and tear at things and break them...I want to hate God and everybody.

let me see in the mirror

And it took 2008 to write something...so what is in store for me this year? Do I check my horoscopes or horrorscopes? Am I brave enough to brave my future? Do I simply coast along allowing my karma to lead my way? Just like deadwood floating on water….just like those random floating thoughts of a lazy mind…

Aha…what metaphors! And I thought I could write….

And am I supposed to make some resolutions? Resolutions? That reminds me of that funny cartoon, where the character says "I refuse to make predictions for the future". So are resolutions our predictions? Then I don’t have to look at horoscopes, do I now?
Whatever!!

Some one told me that writing down your goals make them solid enough. They are not floating anymore. They are weighed down by the weight of the paper and ink and the thought itself. So here goes.

So what would I predict for myself? Oh I know…I want to get back to writing poetry. I want to have a baby. I want to buy a car for pappa. I want to buy mum a pair of diamond earrings. I want to be more sexy….I want to contribute at least 5 lakhs towards the flat. I want to have two promotions in the next two years.…..and I want to loose weight….and that is the toughest of all.

And here I am writing it down...let me measure myself...let me see in the mirror.